Finding Hope

The intense heartbreak has subsided. Initially placing V in an RTC was devastating but, relief and peace has set in. I don’t ponder on the “what if’s” but instead focus on “what now”.

V hit the ground running. Apparently she figured a honeymoon period wouldn’t benefit her. While she isn’t fighting as hard against the structure now, she is still very shut down and I can tell from the phone calls, she isn’t allowing herself to feel much of anything right now. And so the wait is on to see how long she will fight their care. I am hopeful though because I know she can trust. She is in an environment that can offer her that trust of care throughout the entire day. It just wasn’t possible here at home especially with school, church and all the other places that simply aren’t sympathetic or knowledgeable about what she needed.

The intensity of V was manifested so early in her arrival. It confirmed for me, that I couldn’t provide her what she needed. But I know the timing was perfect. I don’t think it could have happened any sooner, nor could I have waited any longer. I attribute that completely to relying on my faith in my Heavenly Father whom has, without fail,  directed my path with V. I know that’s why I’ve been able to find peace.

So, life has changed significantly for me and my family. The mental exhaustion is gone. I don’t even worry about her. I know she is safe. Initially I thought it was important to keep in her in state but now I am so glad I followed a different prompting. If she were close, I know I couldn’t really let go. I’d feel the need to be doing something, and visiting and there would be no rest for the weary. It was time for me to let go and let others bring their experience and expertise to helping V. I have no doubts, I have prepared her well. I am so grateful for the dedication and hard work I sacrificed on V’s behalf. Knowing I did all I could do, made letting go much easier. But those first couple of weeks were so painful. I’m glad that has given way to a sense of calm.

I haven’t decided how specific I will be as V’s story unfolds but the past few weeks have given me a lot of time to consider and reflect on my journey. I’ve talked about this lately but I just want parents to be able to look at their children’s behaviors and know nearly everything they do is to push away. And they are so good at it. I can see in V that her greatest fear was rejection and in an effort to protect herself from that, she was actually inviting it. She works hard to create tension and contention so that people will hate her. But they don’t. It’s frustrating for her and scary.

I’ve got to believe her anxiety is off the charts right now that she is unable to create the chaos. It is the chaos where she finds the control but there is no calm there. This facility creates a calm for her, that eventually I hope she chooses to embrace. I think her chances are good because although I wasn’t able to maintain it, she has felt the calm from trusting me. That alone provides me so much hope and could never have happened without a dedicated caregiver and an amazing supportive cast. In particular, a therapist, M, that has provided so much insight, knowledge and dedication. I may have shared this before but when another therapist asked V about M, she said, “I like M. He really gets me.”

And essentially that’s what our kids want~someone that will understand them in all their confusing behaviors and often impenetrable exterior. It was a long hard fight to get V to a place where she could find comfort in that. For a few years, it was simply hate. But again, that was a protective measure. We have an innate desire to be loved and wanted so when that is replaced by hate and isolation, it is simply a sign that somewhere along the way, trust was severely compromised and the brain developed to reflect that. It’s a great thing that the brain exist as potential, which means there is promise, likelihood, and capacity. Sometimes as parents that is lost in impatience, exhaustion and lack of progress. But just like V had to find comfort in people that “get her”, we must do the same. Surround yourself with people that “get you” and can offer you support and love.

It’s amazing to me that we have a innate desire to form connections but spend most of our lives avoiding them. This is magnified in attachment disorder and undermined by a lack of self worth. People with attachment problems are constantly violating boundaries in an effort to be pushed away. They “will” their very fear of rejection into reality. Loved ones often distance themselves because of hurt and throw up barriers instead of boundaries. This protects the loved one but pushes the AD further into isolation and they are hurt by the consequences. It seems insane that they could claim any harm considering they were the instigating factor. In an effort to avoid responsibility because that’s what they do, they project and blame leaving loved ones bewildered. The loved one may feel guilty or sorry for them and the cycle starts all over again and the accusations of manipulation start flying. The answer is not to push them away but bring them closer with very strong boundaries. The problem is: we don’t understand boundaries.

Pushing someone away with an AD, confirms their lack of worth. While that is not the loved ones intention, they feel justified or just don’t know what else to do. Often, we want them to feel as bad as they made us feel. But the truth is, we could never feel as worthless as they do. They never feel like they are enough which is why we continue to lower our expectations. The answer isn’t lowering expectations or isolating them. Again it’s boundaries. And the AD person must suffer some consequences but not in shame and anger. How do we do that?

Seven years later, I’m finally understanding that part. It’s not just about the other person’s boundaries, it’s very much about ours. I am looking forward to sharing about this in a workshop in January. I can’t wait to put it all together and help others that are in the tangled web to carefully untangle. It will be every Tuesday beginning Jan. 10. Specifics to come.

This experience with V has been more than just a story about a child healing from childhood trauma. The lessons I’ve had to learn about parenting such deep hurt has been a parallel journey. I’ve had to become an anchor for her. In the beginning I was a deeply inadequate life preserver.

My parenting had to go far beyond “strategies of discipline or correction”. In the book, Anatomy of Peace it says, “I become an agent of change only to the degree that I begin to live to help things go right rather than simply to correct things that are going wrong. Rather than simply correcting, for example, I need to reenergize my teaching, my helping, my listening, my learning. I need to put time and effort into building relationships. And so on. If I don’t work at the bottom of the pyramid, I won’t be successful at the top.”

There is so much work to be done before real change can happen in V and that work is mostly done in me. This guarantees that even if she stays stuck, I will be okay. I don’t need to look for justification, depend on resentment or find some temporary satisfaction in anger. The book refers to these things as boxes we put ourselves in, I refer to them as holes we dig for ourselves. All of these things require a significant amount of effort that gets us further from where we are trying to be. I can remember digging as fast as I could only to finally stop and realize I had just added to the elevation of the mountain I was trying to summit. My focus was on what things were going wrong. I’m still working on that.

It’s hard to focus on helping things go right when the other person seems to be sabotaging my best efforts. That’s when I have to consider why someone would continue to invite the sorrow and pain. There could be so many variables but I consider that there are times she simply didn’t know how to get out. There have been so many times where my tool to help her was a shovel instead of a ladder. But in saying that it brings me back to the moments where I exerted so much energy to bring over the ladder and she dismantled the rungs. What was my response? Have I been more focused on correction than supporting?

This is the balance. How do I know when I am balanced? I have a heart a peace. That doesn’t mean everything is going great. It means when things are going wrong, my heart isn’t.