March 7, 2010 | Posted by admin Helpful hint # 470
If you need your controlling child to hurry to the car after school because you need to do another car pool, don’t tell them. 
They will participate in their own after school activity called: STALLING
The more information they have, the more opportunities to control and sabotage.
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March 2, 2010 | Posted by admin There are days when I think I can’t make it one-more-day. Literally. My heart is heavy, my energy is drained, my optimism is fading. Quitting doesn’t seem like an option. It seems like a necessity. I was talking with a friend the other day and I said, ” I feel like a warden, a therapist, a doctor, a priest (confessionals from a RAD kid are interesting). She said, “Yes, it’s called being a parent.” There aren’t a lot of easy ways to quit parenting. Well, that aren’t destructive.
A vacation is good. But it isn’t always possible. And although I want to quit, I really do, I know I won’t. So what do you do when all roads seem to lead to Nowhere? All roads don’t lead to Nowhere. There is always a sign pointing towards Somewhere but it does require you hitch a ride with Hope. Hope can be found in predictable places and it can also be found where we least expect it. Here a few places I’ve found it.
Hope is found in faith.
Hope is found in people.
Hope is found in nature.
Hope is found in music.
Hope is found in books.
Hope is found in gratitude.
Hope is found in journaling.
Hope is found in waiting.
Hope is found in you.
Where have you found hope?
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February 25, 2010 | Posted by admin I am now going to attempt the impossible. The topic I’m addressing today is the Achilles heel for any parent raising a child with an attachment disorder: ATTENTION. V is still not healthy enough to take my love, trust it and allow it to sustain her. So when possible she will find other ways to fill that void, a need she isn’t allowing me to meet. When put in stressful and stimulating situations her need to feel safe is met by the shallowness of attention. So often that involves food as it is an emotional trigger for many people and as you can imagine, especially growing up in an orphanage. There are many neon signs to show me V isn’t trusting me. One of them is, “I’m hungry” when she has just eaten or “You are starving me” when she doesn’t get food when she wants it or the right kind. When V gets in a stressful situation she really feels like she is going to die. And so this anxiety throws her brain into survival mode. She hasn’t learned to manage the stress in her life or allow me to relieve it. So she seeks it other ways. Food, attention, self soothing behaviors, and lying or stealing, are a few. Because for a very long time in her life these behaviors kept her alive. I just need her to trust me that she doesn’t need to do these things anymore but as long as someone else is perpetuating it, that is where her ability to heal becomes impossible.
This is only one example of why food really should only come from her parents. ESPECIALLY REALLY GOOD YUMMY TREATS. I’m at home and I’ve got to come up with something better than the chocolate chip cookie or stolen granola bar from some kid’s backpack. She even begins to love things from others she’s never liked before. Just this morning she said after getting peanut butter crackers from a school teacher (not even her school teacher!), ” I realize I love peanut butter.” Now, I have to come up with something to offer her better than peanut butter, something she hasn’t ever liked but now “loves” it. And it’s all in the way it was given to her. It’s usually on V’s terms and manipulated by her. And I KNOW, those that do it are unsuspecting, but if you are reading this you are no longer exempt.
If V is in your home or your classroom or your car I promise you she is experiencing anxiety you can’t see. She is certainly not going to let you know she is scared and nervous. In fact, when she usually admits that she is, she isn’t. I can also promise you that as long as she isn’t trusting me she is lying to you, stealing from you and manipulating you with her charm. You can think it’s real, you can cater to it but just know it makes my life, especially as her mother, so much harder.
I used to have a list of do’s and don’ts for people when they were around V but it only made everyone uncomfortable. I would prefer everyone ignore her but that isn’t healthy for anyone. So I just say, leave the loving, the praise, the food and ALL physical touch to me. Talk to her but don’t let her take over the conversation and remember the one in charge is the one asking the questions.
And it’s a learning process…. for everyone.
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February 16, 2010 | Posted by admin I have struggled to write a new post for nearly a month now. I want my post to be informative, entertaining and positive. I can only guarantee one of these. I was waiting for something happy and successful to write about. But then I realized I was doing what so many others before me have done. When you only wait to write the positive moments (you wait a really long time) and you do a disservice to those that find some validation in knowing they are experiencing the same difficulties only manifested in different ways. This is only a slice of my life, albeit a pretty big piece. But I have other slices that are rewarding, happy and motivating. Mostly in my husband and my boys. Trying to balance out V’s demands and negativity is a constant work in progress but has become much easier over time.
The last two weeks have been emotionally exhausting. Again, it’s as if my heart knew what my mind was denying. My relationship with V is in a new and different place. I am blazing a new trail. I don’t feel so confident writing because I don’t have any hindsight to rely on. I can’t guarantee you or me any certainty on what the future holds. All I have is here and now. And this is what is looks like for me. I remind you, again, no two stories are alike.
I have worked the past three years trying to earn V’s trust. I have helped her learn more about choices and accountability. She has a better understanding of consequences, how our choices determine them and how often we don’t have any control over what consequences may follow. An real eye opener for a child that thought she controlled the world. I believe the most important thing I have helped V do, is feel remorse. It was pivotal in her healing that she experienced sorrow for her actions and eventually try to feel what someone else is feeling, empathy. But what I can’t do, is make her feel it all the time. My job I see now was giving her the opportunities to feel empathy, remorse, and trust in a safe environment. Essentially, feeling love. And she has. I have felt hers and she has felt mine. There is an attachment. But fear creeps back and puts her back into a defensive position. There isn’t much more I can do which is hard to deal with when so much had been required of me for so long.
I torment myself thinking what more could I do? or do differently? I have endured so many days of people telling me what to say, how to say it, when to say it. And if it isn’t working, I needed to figure out if it’s because she is getting to much negative attention or needs more cuddle time? It always seemed like I needed to be more, or less, or better or stronger. I can’t fault anyone really except myself for the demands I placed on me but it felt like it was coming from everywhere. And there is a HUGE learning curve in understanding how to help these children and that in and of itself is demanding. But I feel like I can finally see the straight away, which doesn’t necessarily mean V will joining me. And that is NOT failure. It’s one’s freedom to choose.
And because now I feel like I have done all I can do for her, I let her go. Not literally, but figuratively. I could keep her home all day and try to create positive moments but she isn’t very willing. I was thinking I wouldn’t send her back to school until she was a responsible, respectful and happy child. But I did send her back, and she isn’t all of those things and it does feel like failure. And it feels scary as she will find the attention at school to fill the emotional void she won’t let herself feel from me. Or maybe she won’t. This is where hindsight would be helpful or a crystal ball. But then there wouldn’t be any learning or faith. Two things I can’t seem to avoid.
So I submit this to you, we all have in our mind what our healed child looks like and how that translate to success. It may not be what they see. And it may not be about a healed child, it may just be about a healing child. A process in becoming. And if we look at it that way, we are all healing and becoming.
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January 24, 2010 | Posted by admin This is a interesting concept when dealing with traumatized children. I was always told, “You can’t want it more than V.” Want being happy, responsible, and caring. How do I temper what I want, which is exactly that, with a child that doesn’t seem to want anything? I will always be wanting more than her because she has no desire for something better. I can’t make her choices for her but I have to want something better for her. I spent far too long wanting what wasn’t best for her. I can accept her. I think that is more accurate. Acceptance it the heart of the matter. It isn’t superficial. I can accept what she is but hope that someday she will be something more. The more she is supposed to be. The girl that her spirit professes her to be. Not the girl that is powered by fear and doubt.
What does my acceptance of her look like? I can certainly tell you it doesn’t look normal or healthy but neither is she. My acceptance of her says I will allow you to make your choices and the consequences that follow. It could easily look like ripped up clothes, pee stained carpet, chewed up fingernails, yelling and screaming at me and a barren room. She finds a pathological sense of comfort with these choices she makes for herself. She has lived a life where value wasn’t measured in happiness or self worth. Value was found in selfishness propelled by a primitive fear to protect herself. It had nothing to do with black patent shoes, finger nail polish, a down comforter or dance lessons. I have to honor that and at the same time offer her incentives to have more but I can’t want it more than her. I want her to have a sleigh bed, clean sheets and a matching comforter. I have let go of many superficial dreams I had for her.
It is still very difficult to see her “seemingly” fine with what she doesn’t have. But it isn’t about things, it’s really about a fear that won’t allow her to hope for more. As I work on relieving her fears which in turn increases her trust, I can someday help her with her self-worth. This trust isn’t just about believing me but also believing in herself. If I impose my wants on her, she doesn’t feel worthy of it and it reinforces that she isn’t good enough for me. She already believes she isn’t good enough for anyone.
I take her evil tendencies, menacing stares, coy smile, spiteful laugh, maddening defiance and remember that children do not come to earth with this mentality. I try to remember that underneath all the coping mechanisms is a fragile spirit that longs for more but is too fearful to want. They are even too fearful to need lest it remains unmet. So I will provide you with a toilet but allow you to choose the floor. I will provide you new clothes but allow you to choose old ones you can destroy. So when you look at V and think, “Wow, they treat her so differently than her brothers” just know that I want her to have everything her brothers do, she doesn’t. I have to respect her. I have to accept her, tempering my wants until she wants them too.
As V began to let go of the fear, I used to have her set daily goals for herself. I didn’t choose the goals because I realized what I would set for her was much more than she could imagine for herself. I’m thinking going to Build a Bear, she’s thinking build a puzzle. I’m thinking going to gymnastics and she’s thinking riding her scooter. I’m thinking baking cookies with Mom and she is thinking sweeping the floor. So I allowed V to set daily goals and work towards them. But as time went by and she began to relinquish fear and allow good to come into her life, I noticed her goals stayed the same. Finally when she was in a position to want for more, she still couldn’t imagine it for herself. It has been years of therapy and acceptance to see her finally trust me and now I start to help her trust herself. I still knew I couldn’t impose my goals on her. I really wanted them to come from within her but I know she needed help knowing she could hope for more. So one day I sat down with her and began to talk about God’s goals for her. Spirituality resonates with V. I use it often when she is trusting because she is able to feel so deeply. I told her that God’s ultimate goal for everyone on the earth is to be happy. Really it’s more than that, it’s joy. When I ask V what joy is she says, “Happiness that last a really long time.” She’s exactly right. So I asked her what were some goals God would have for her so that she could be happy. She quickly listed about 10 goals. And by the way, they were exactly the goals I had for her.
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December 21, 2009 | Posted by admin This is a reoccurring theme for me living with a emotionally volatile child. This journey isn’t predictable. It really does require taking it all one day at a time. I don’t though. I start to see progress, a glimmer of hope and I begin imagining what great and amazing things will start to take place in V’s life. I see her in school and contributing. I see her hopeful and happy. And then, she runs away. I still think I have to imagine those great things happening to maintain my hope. I just wasn’t ready to let it go. I guess I still imagine those things for her. They just feel a little further away. Well, a lot further away.
Running isn’t new to RAD kids but it is new to me. I thought if she were going to be a runner she would have already done it long before now. She didn’t run away from the anger and indifference I had towards her. Unfortunately that wasn’t scary to her. She now runs away from the my love and trust. That is frightening for her. We have an attachment. V trusts me. She can feel when she allows herself to. But, I didn’t expect this. I have to believe it’s fear (and a significant amount of control) because no one in their right mind would run away from safety and love.
This fear is pushing her to do not only dangerous things, but really brazen things. The problem with running away besides feeling empowered is when she has a good experience, she feels invincible. Not really a good thing for a nine year old child who thinks she can take on the world. So, ready or not, I will somehow figure out how to push through this stage.
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November 30, 2009 | Posted by admin Holidays present a whole host of difficulties for parents with children that have developmental disorders due to trauma. The key to surviving the holidays is minimizing, the key to enjoying the holidays is trusting yourself that you know what is best. I’ll start with minimizing. This is a challenge when even the anticipation of the holidays are overwhelming for our children, so we add massive amounts of food, people, especially a man in a big red suit , a change in routine, unfamiliar surroundings, and expectation of gifts, to an already anxious child. You may want to consider less decorations and maybe even just putting one decoration out a day leading up to the holiday.
For most of these children, while they want everything, they don’t feel they deserve anything. Gifts can make them feel worse. And they don’t appreciate them. I recommend a couple of practical gifts. Pajamas, books, word search, mind building activities, like Legos, puzzles, etc. I’ve limited all my kids to 2-3 gifts. That has been great.
Essentially the least amount of stimulation, the more regulated a RAD child will be. Deciding what that looks like for you and your holidays is personal and specific. Some may decide to avoid family gatherings all together, while others may keep take the child but keep them nearby. If I do take my daughter to a family party, she stays right by me and I bring her a puzzle or legos to keep her occupied. If I feel she is regulated I may invite one or two people to come over and play a card game. If I sense her anxiety rising, I may decide to have her go to another room to do strong sitting, or take a time out in the car with her or even if necessary, for her, take her home.
This time of year is an excellent time to preform acts of service together. This moves them out of their selfishness and encourages them to feel empathy. And mostly, it is a great way to have more good moments. We are always in desperate need of those. Determining what you holiday will look like is specific to you. Trust your instinct because no one knows your child better than you. And look for those quiet reflective moments that especially come this time of year, where we can find peace and gratitude, they are there. Happy Holidays!
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November 13, 2009 | Posted by admin I want to get more serious about my blogging. I can’t guarantee a new post daily but I am going to work on posting at least a couple of times a week.
The title of this post is a question I get often and it is so difficult to answer. Those that have a child with an attachment disorder knows exactly what I am talking about. The nature of the disorder is so cyclical and volatile that sometimes I don’t even really know how to answer this question. The past week and even month aren’t a good indicator. I typically have to reach pretty far back to see how she is doing. It is then, I can really appreciate and see the progress that has been made. Just not in her, but me as well.
Today I thought about how heavy she used to weigh on me. I remembered how I wondered how I would get enough strength to endure another day. I can thankfully report that those days are gone. I still get tired and weary but nothing like before because she’s nothing like she was before which means there has been progress. She is allowing herself to feel and to trust. So a better question for me is how are her good days? Thanks for asking Each time she shifts to a good place it is better than the last because I can see she is building upon those experiences. She doesn’t allow the momentum to carry her very far, the good days still only last a couple of days but I know it is now just a matter of her trusting herself and allowing herself to feel like she deserves the good in her life.
So I ask, “How are your good days?”
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September 24, 2009 | Posted by admin When 6 1/2 year old Nicholas came into Jane and Mark’s home from foster care in July 2006, he seemed to have no fear. He leaped right into Jane’s arms and was so happy. She thought it was abnormal as she was a stranger he had never met. But as time would tell, Jane would take these abnormal behaviors and try justify them into something logical.
Nicholas hugged everyone he met. His first meeting with his new Grandfather he walked up and said, “Hi, I’m your new grandson.” In conversations with Jane, he would say to her with no expression, “You are my fourth Mom” implying that there would probably be a fifth or sixth. The first two months Nicholas was charming, indiscriminately affectionate, showered with gifts, again showed no fear of being in a new home and knew the focus was on him.
By the end of September he didn’t want to go to school any longer. His first grade teacher said he was not playing with the other kids, he wouldn’t interact with them, he was demanding and threw tantrums when he didn’t get what he wanted. He would then shut down and not do any work. When Nicholas decided to do work he would become controlling. When doing flash cards he would get 4+5 correct but stare blankly at Jane when she showed him 5+4. He insisted he didn’t know how to tie his shoes but one day Jane noticed he could tie the string on his swim trunks. When asked about the tying, he replied that his sister just taught him. And this was the beginning of the constant, deliberate crazy lies. She would see him take something, confront him and he would deny it.
When given specific instructions, Nicholas would do it wrong, backwards, take four hours, or not do it at all. If he knew something was important to Jane he would become defiant and controlling trying to push her to anger. When asked about what he was feeling he either couldn’t answer or the feeling never fit what he should have been feeling. He constantly sought out attention and food. If he could manipulate others into giving him things he wasn’t allowed to have, he always looked over to Jane to make sure she knew he was getting it.
Jane and Mark attributed some of these behaviors to processing problems he might out grow as he matured. When speaking to friends about his behaviors, they all told them, “That’s what kids do.” This was Jane and Mark’s oldest child. They didn’t know what normal was especially for Nicholas.
Nicholas had been going to play therapy for a year but it wasn’t helping. He loved to go to therapy and looked forward to the treats and being in control of the therapist. Jane and Mark pulled him out and therapy and for a year tried to manage on their own. He had food issues, would not accept affection, continued his annoying behaviors, specifically towards Jane. When he could push her to anger he responded with a robotic, smirky smile. As Nicholas began to feel out of control he began peeing to exert control. He said they were accidents but used it strategically. He began to form a triangulation between Jane and his school teacher. As Mark began to see that Jane was becoming impatient, angry, bitter and resentful he realized she was not the same mother to their other two small children. He didn’t see most of Nicholas’ defiant and manipulating behaviors. Jane was struggling to find a balance between fixing his behaviors and feeling like the horrible mom that wouldn’t love him enough. The only variable that had changed was bringing Nicholas into their home. They needed to find help immediately. They were inundated with many referrals and given names of therapist who were “the best.” It didn’t take long to realize that many of these therapist couldn’t see past the charm and deal with the passive aggressive behaviors. It wasn’t until the beginning of the third year, Mark overheard someone at work talking about a family that were dealing with issues very similar to his. He called the family and was able to find a therapist that would diagnose Nicholas with Reactive Attachment Disorder and finally give them the tools to bring stability to their home and begin to help Nicholas heal.
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September 22, 2009 | Posted by admin When living with a child with RAD it is important to understand what is occurring inside of them and how this stress is manifesting itself on the outside. RAD children always have a low level of fear even when there is no perceived threat. This fear is based on the trauma that violated their ability to feel safe. This fear, in the form of anxiety spikes when they are faced with stressful situations which can include but are not limited to, unpredictability, new situations, large groups, holidays and even school. RAD children spend much of their time trying to maintain the facade of looking okay on the outside when anxiety is overtaking them on the inside. It is important to try to maintain structure and consistency to encourage them to be calm which would allow them to feel safe.
The whole goal of a caregiver of a RAD child, even before any kind of attachment can be made, is providing a safe environment. Nancy Thomas, a therapuetic parent and attachment expert, identifies five ways children test adults to see if they can feel safe. If they can control any of these areas fear will remain.
1. They see if they can interrupt you.
2. They try to get you to repeat what you have said.
3. They try to get you to believe their lies.
4. They see if they can steal from you.
5. They are cruel to animals.
As long as the child succeeds in any of these they will remain in control and trust cannot be formed.
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