The One
This past week I visited V for three days. My first visit to see her was so emotionally exhausting that I knew I had to do things a little differently this time to make sure I took care of myself. I learned from the last visit, that when I leave V in the evenings, I have to find a healthy distraction and something that replenishes myself. I scheduled a massage in advance and it was the perfect cure.
I realized on this visit what it is that breaks my heart the most: and it isn’t that she is living in a facility away from the family (which is painful) but that so much of what I do for her, is still lost on her. My love is a vanishing act. She at times allows it to penetrate but it is short lived. I give knowing that there are still holes in her heart. V isn’t really offering anything in return but at least she’s not taking and then dumping all her yucky feelings on me.
On the second day I picked up V, she was of course anxious and already in her fortune-teller mode. She was predicting what we would be doing faster than I could even consider what the days events might be. She was actually very delightful except that she struggled to stay in the moment. I constantly had to remind her to slow down and “We are not there yet”. It was then that I realized why a connection is so hard to make with her. She is the queen of distractions. It seems like the closer she gets to feeling good or any shared intimacy, the faster her mind speeds up to move on. It’s hard as a mom. Because you can imagine, if she works so hard to avoid feeling…there isn’t much time to even consider giving.
But, the success is that there are brief moments of connection. And in spite of her inability to reciprocate consistently, I still want to give. That hasn’t always been the case; my heart surprises me still. We did have some tender moments while we went to the movies, fed ducks, tried on make up and smelled perfume in Sephora, shopped and we ended the night with me rubbing her back, putting lotion on her feet and reading a book, “Why Daughters Need Their Mothers”. As she peacefully fell asleep, without the violent rocking motion she always did at home, I recognized that although they are baby steps, progress is being made, in both of us. It took me years to touch V without being disgusted or traumatized. It has taken her the same.
It is in these moments that I again recognize the purpose of her in my life. Although she has had some very disgusting habits, swears like a sailor, and wants to convince people around her that she is unlovable there is something in her that has purified me and has taught me to love deeper. Isn’t that ironic?
As she was falling asleep she asked me to put this song on repeat. I don’t know if she knows it, but she isn’t one of the ninety and nine. She is the one. And at times I can’t believe all that God has required for her. As I looked at her peaceful face as she slept, my heart ached that she had to live in a residential facility. It is a difficult place to grow up. And I grieved, as I considered once again, what I am missing out on. She has grown so much since my last visit. But as the song indicates, she is more God’s than she is mine. I wept and couldn’t put my feelings to words, even now I refuse to attempt it.
V still is far from coming home but there is enough working in our relationship and in my heart to know we are walking a road full of hope and marked by little successes. Helping one to feel and to trust is extremely tedious. There is no fast pass. So, yes, my heart continues to break and repair. But as I’ve allowed it to, I have become stronger in the process. I realized the strength I have acquired has far less to do with my efforts than God’s grace. I’ve had to find something beyond myself-there is no way I could do this alone. And not only do I have God making up most of what I imperfectly do, I have a unbelievable supporting cast around me.
I am so hopeful. And not so much for V, because so much of her success is determined by her, but am so hopeful that I will be able to continue to do all that is required of me, for her, the one.









