“Seven years ago I took my daughter out of an institution but the institution didn’t leave her. I am racked with torment visiting facilities that will once again put her in a place where no family exist.”
I wrote this two years ago while V sat in a psychiatric hospital. It was a very lonely and painful endeavor.
V will be coming home for good in 7 days.
I’m not very excited.
I am scared.
I am worried about how this will impact the boys.
I still am still sad and hurt by what I lived through with V.
I am not paralyzed by the uncertainty~I just know it’s not going to be easy.
Victoria didn’t “graduate” from her program. I honestly think she would need to be there for 5 years to address all of her issues. The facility didn’t recommend bringing her home ( they aren’t paying for it) but I knew it was time. I don’t know if it’s going to work but I do know she needs the opportunity to make relationships in her family work, grow spiritually and develop morally. These are three things that can really only be accomplished best in the walls of our home. The same walls that witnessed things no family should have to endure. What no little girl should ever have to experience.
But underneath all of this trepidation is a hope that has never ever left me. Not even on the nights when I sobbed in my bed as I hung on for the light to come, whether it was the sunrise or God’s presence. The things is, as I have walked this road, I can’t deny the presence of a Heavenly Father who has never forsaken me. I wish everyone could know of and experience Heavenly Father’s guidance, love and comfort. And a continuous hope from His Son.
V wasn’t the only one learning and changing over the past two years.
I have learned that inducing shame cannot ever provide lasting change and only brings momentary compliance.
I know that building relationships is not about perfection but forgiveness.
I know that we all have an innate need to feel connected and we often struggle to feel it, ask for it to be met or trust it.
I know not to get caught up in the content and focus on the emotions.
I know I will need a lot of support and have been blessed with family and friends who have been devoted and unfailing in their service.
I know that support will allow me nurture my other relationships in my family and not get sacrificed by V.
This isn’t all that I’ve learned but it’s all I can come up with tonight.
I am as excited to share the rest of this journey with you as I have been the last five or six years.
I’ve hired her former aide to home school V for as long as she needs. I am in no hurry to transition her into public school. While she is better regulated emotionally, she still struggles with relationships, especially peers. It is still hard work to get her to feel connected but she can get there. Her lack of trust in relationships still makes it hard to ask for her needs but she is working hard on that. She doesn’t rage, pee in random places, or destroy things. She still struggles with lying and feeling remorse. But she is more willing to work through her struggles and accept help from caregivers. So really in spite of my fear, trepidation, worry and sad~there is a part of me that is so hopeful for what is possible. And I know V and I are feeling the exact same things. It isn’t the first time we’ve been mirrors of each other.
I’ve decided to invite V to start blogging here with me and carefully and sensitively let her tell her story. Emotionally she is still very young but she is very smart and insightful. And she wants to tell her story. I’m hoping we will start this weekend.
Welcome to another chapter.